POTC Part 2

In which Elizabeth Swan demonstrates live-action PacMan.

*When we meet up with Jack and Will again, they have managed to sail to Tortuga, which to my knowledge is an island off the coast of Haiti and not a small town in the middle of a doughnut-shaped rock, but hey, I like doughnuts as much as the next guy. The moon is still full, which means they’ve either got lightspeed capabilities on this ship, or an amazing sense of timing (and a month at sea, during which god knows what sort of debauchery is going on on these ships. Slashers unite!).*

Jerry Bruckheimer: FINALLY I GET TO MAKE MORE STUFF ASPLODE! EEHEEHEE!

Jack: All you need in life is alcohol and prostitutes, boy. Disney has finally accepted this, and you should too.

Will: I...I think I may go into shock…if I don’t get some hand sanitizer…

Jack: You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. We’re going to visit an old friend of mine.

Gibbs: Wuzzat?

Audience: MR. GIBBS?!

Gibbs: Yeah, I dunno how I got here either.

*They run off to a pub as pirates do, with Will probably being forced to follow downwind of Gibbs, no doubt with a look on his face akin to that of Edward Cullen upon smelling Bella for the first time*

Gibbs: This had better be good.

Jack: Let’s just say I’ve found a twisted chain of coincidence.

Gibbs: Eh?

Jack: I have leverage.

Gibbs: Ehh?

Jack: I AM IN POSESSION OF A HUMAN SACRIFICE, OKAY?!

Gibbs: Oh, ok. I’ll drink to that.

*Will, despite standing in the middle of a pub filled with loud drunken people and goats, AND being sexually harassed by a morbidly obese prostitute with no teeth, is somehow able to telepathically hear their conversation and retain Jack’s exact words in his brain to be used wittily later.*

*Meanwhile, Elizabeth paces her fire hazard of a candle-filled room*

Elizabeth: On the gooood ship looooolipop…

Pintel: Excuse me, but the captain has an Indiana Jones fetish and requests that you recreate Raiders of the Lost Ark in the next scene.

Elizabeth: No.

Pintel: Or we’ll grope you.

Elizabeth: FINE.

*Barbossa is apparently smarter than he looks, as he apparently had his henchmen procure food for the captive while they were in Port Royal.*

Barbossa: Dude, you haven’t eaten in days and you’re still being prissy?!

Elizabeth: …..

Barbossa: …..

Elizabeth: OM NOM NOM NOM NOM

*she proceeds to stuff her face with everything in sight that looks remotely edible, not even bothering to chew*

Barbossa: …..holy shit.

Elizabeth: OINK.

Barbossa: Umm, ok, how about an apple?

*Elizabeth suddenly remembers that she is in a Disney movie and pigging out on evil people’s food is usually not a good idea *

Elizabeth: I KNEW IT! YOU’RE MY EVIL STEPMOTHER!

Barbossa: …What?

Elizabeth: …nothing.

Barbossa: If I was going to kill you, don’t you think I would have been a bit more original than that?

Elizabeth: Then why the fuck am I still here?!

Barbossa: Because a very complicated backstory requires it, involving carting enormous amounts of gold from Mexico to an island in the middle of nowhere for no particular reason which we just happened to find, and the curse of quetzalcoatl which has plagued us for ten years, which makes us constantly horny but unable to get hard.

Elizabeth: ...that's it?

Barbossa: Oh, and we need to slit your throat too.

Elizabeth: ……*RUNS*

Barbossa: Aarrrrr! (I swear to god, he actually says “arrrr”. In context. To fulfill the pirate movie quota.)

Elizabeth: I SHALL SMITE THEE WITH A BUTTER KNIFE YOU NAZI! *STABBITY STAB*

*Needless to say, this doesn’t work, but it’s more than Marion could do, so I'm not complaining*

Barbossa: Boo.

Elizabeth: AARGH!

*As if things couldn’t get any worse, the skeletal pirates attack, which should be scary given the evil-sounding background music, but really isn't as they just use her to play that parachute-bouncing game that’s so much fun in kindergarten, amusing themselves to no end*

Elizabeth: WAUGHHHH!

Barbossa: Teehee. We should do this more often.

Jack the Monkey: Yum, dates.

I really need to write more original material.

Soon. Soon I will be in the mood and pop POTC back into the dvd player. And then hopefully I'll come up with a new movie that is less often parodied.

Until then, check out the great blogs at the Plimouth Plantation website; there's tons of insight from people in all of their departments.

http://www.plimoth.org/discover/blogs.php

An Historical Discovery

Redcoat Holdouts Still Fighting The American Revolution

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/redcoat_holdouts_still_fighting?utm_source=b-section

Titanic artifacts to be preserved for the public?

Apparently there's a judge somewhere out there who really cares about preservation. The massive collection of artifacts taken from the Titanic have been in ownership dispute since they were first removed, and right now U.S. District Judge Rebecca Beach Smith is working to settle the dispute and keep the collection together and available to the public. Apparently they're working with RMST Inc., the company that took the artifacts in the first place. Hopefully everyone can reach an agreement so that private collectors won't swoop in and ruin this important collection of history.

http://news.aol.com/article/titanic-court-case/394523?icid=mainmaindl1link3http%3A%2F%2Fnews.aol.com%2Farticle%2Ftitanic-court-case%2F394523

The Bard

This story has been a fantasy of mine for years now, and now someone's stolen it: family looks at a painting, thinks it looks like a copy of one they've owned for centuries, and finds out that the guy in the painting is SHAKESPEARE.

http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1883770,00.html

The Scarlet Pimpernel online

For the Marie Antoinette-ophiles out there, I have found this link of greatness: Like Television, a site that uploads old movies and tv that are currently in the public domain so that everyone can watch them. The rest of the titles are totally worth checking out, but of special interest is the original 1934 version of The Scarlet Pimpernel, starring Leslie Howard and Merle Oberon.



http://tesla.liketelevision.com/liketelevision/tuner.php?channel=1083&format=movie&theme=guide

I'm not sure what this is, but it's amazing.

LolHistory

Sadly no, I didn't make them. But you CAN get more at www.lolpresidents.com!

Other Sites *edit*

So, it's no secret, I'm an internet addict. And since you wouldn't be reading this if we didn't have the same interest, here's some other sites I like to visit.

Yes, I'm bored and have no social life.


http://www.curiousexpeditions.org/ - A strange little blog of the weird and morbid. If you want to see churches made out of human bones and medical museums, go here. If you visit the links page you may not leave your computer for several hours.



http://www.oddthingsiveseen.com/ - This guy has documented everything from ancient Irish mummies to Stephen King's house. Lots of local oddities, which makes it even more fun.



http://www.demodecouture.com/ - For those fashionably inclined. The woman who runs this site also has a podcast with the Gothic Martha Stewart, among others, making fun of costumes in historical movies.



http://www.mentalfloss.com/ - All-inclusive everything. A lot of posts are historically based though.



http://community.livejournal.com/m15m/tag/parodies - From the community of Cleolinda, the mastermind behind Twilight in 15 Minutes, among others.



http://www.casebook.org/ - The ultimate site of info on Jack the Ripper. Ok, this isn't a blog, but you totally want to figure out whodunnit, you know you do.


http://www.infiltration.org/ - Creeping where you're not supposed to: a right of passage in CHP land.


http://sexyarchaeology.org/ - The name says it all.

www.pepysdiary.com - Hear all about daily life in the 17th century from Samuel Pepys, who would probably be freaked out that his diary is now being read by people all over the world. I know I would be.

Ahoy ahoy

By way of introduction, I have no idea if anything is going to come of this. I may just write, or make historical lolcats, or rant about movies, or whatever. We'll see what happens.

And so, by popular demand, the first part of Pirates of the Caribbean, As Watched by a History Buff, Part 1.
All aboard the Great Ship Ass-Kisser! It’s a great day for a sail – pucker up, me hearties!
-Gregory House

.....

Elizabeth: "Yo ho, yo, ho, a pirate's life for me..." (this song was written for the Disney ride)

Gibbs: ARR NAUTICAL NONSENSE ARR.

Governer Swann: Hello, my hair is a hundred years out of style. Also, please stop giving my brazen daughter ideas not fitting for a woman. Women aren't supposed to think, ESPECIALLY miniature ones. KTHXBAI.

*Oh crap, some kid floating on scrap wood next to a burning ship no one saw! WHO EVER COULD IT BE?*

Governer Swann: Uhhhhhh...he's your problem now, kid.

Elizabeth: "It's ok...my name's Elizabeth Swann." (ANACHRONISTIC LANGUAGE ALERT)

Will: *GASP* *PASS OUT*

Elizabeth: You have MONEY! You must be a pirate!

*End flashback (hey, where did your freckles go?)*

*Not only does Elizabeth posess magical freckle-removing powers, but she gets a new dress just for Commodore Norrignton's promotion (Commodore wasn't even an official rank as of the 18th century) including a pair of stays that's the latest fashion in London (and had been for the past two hundred years, and worn by children starting as young as four). It seems women in London have learned not to breathe (although tight lacing didn't become popular for another hundred years).*

*Also enter Jack Sparrow, who has apparently somehow been sailing a large ship ALONE all the way to Port Royal (Port Royal, Jamaica, infamous for being a safe haven for pirates, was destroyed by an earthquake in 1690)*

*Cut to the lovely ceremony with gorgeous period dresses (from the 1770s. Note previous note on Port Royal). Norrington tosses a sword around for no reason and no one cares. Poor Jim. And damn, it's hot in Jamaica, so Elizabeth can't breathe (in stays laced abnormally tight which she should have been wearing in said hot Jamaican climate since childhood)...and promptly falls off the cliffs (Port Royal is at sea level) narrowly missing the rocks (which are mysteriously not present once she hits the water). But only Jack understands her plight, because he's been to Singapore (what the fuck is that supposed to mean?)*

*Unfortunately he has a pirate brand (accurate! :) ) and must escape whilst being shot at (by muskets that appear to be automatic since no one has to reload.)*

*Jack then gets into a comical, Princess Bride-esque swordfight with Will, who is gallantly defending Elizabeth's honor, making full use of his only three facial expressions: angry, confused, and blank.*

*(Unexpected drunkard is unexpected!)*

That night: Some idiot decides to leave the keys to the town jail with a dog, because that's totally fool-proof.

*Meanwhile, a maid with a Cockney accent (because all maids are lower class and must be distinguished from the main characters, duh) procedes to shove a bedwarmer full of hot coals right under Elizabeth's feet and leave it there, promptly burning Elizabeth's toes and lighting the bed on fire (oh no, wait, nothing happens Huh.)*

*HOLY SHIT, THERE ARE PIRATES AND THEY KILL PEOPLE.*

*The pirates proceed to jump out of the boat and wade to shore without turning into skeletons (apparently this curse is selective) and Pintel and Ragetti, who have the combined IQ of Forrest Gump, are the ones chosen to find Elizabeth. To get in they kill one of the governer's staff of TWO servants*

*Elizabeth is able to escape by dropping hot coals onto Ragetti (despite his not being able to feel pain due to his cursed nature, go figure) and Parlaying her way out of certain death with her unnatural knowledge of the Pirate Code (most of which was made up for the movie).*

Ragetti: I have a brain the size of a pea and want to kill the poppet now, despite needing her blood later so that this accursed curse may be lifted from my damned, demented soul (in so many words).

Pintel: DUMBASS.

*They drag Elizabeth to the ship, not experiencing any resistence by the townsfolk or the militia, despite the fact that the governer's daughter is being kidnapped. Everyone is too busy running around in infinite circles, screaming, much like the Zydrate addicts in Repo*

*Will is among this crowd, having completely forgotten about his true love in the midst of trying to show off his hatchet-throwing skillz, and is left lying in the middle of the street overnight after being knocked out, because no one gives a crap about people injured during a pirate attack*

On board the Black Pearl:

Elizabeth: I will now engage these filthy pirates in witty banter so eloquent that will make everyone forget that this is a Disney movie. And since I’m tired of just writing “Mrs. William Turner” in my notebooks at school, I’ll just play along that we have the same name already.

Barbossa: Ahhhhh. Let me consult with my minions. *moves away* WE GOT ‘ER, BOYS!!!:)

*The pirates all grin knowingly and stare at Elizabeth in a manner so obviously I-know-something-you-don’t that Elizabeth should have just jumped overboard. Elizabeth states at them blankly.*

Elizabeth: I’m sorry, did you just say something?

*Meanwhile, Will is convinced he’s still dreaming, as when he regains consciousness, a clone of 8 year old Elizabeth is sweeping the steps a few feet away, ignoring him as usual. Pshht. Women.*

*Will, despite a possible concussion, manages to stumble over to the fort (which apparently is a terrible one since he’s able to get in whilst waving a hatchet and looking like a serial killer), only to find a grand total of THREE people attempting a search-and-rescue plan for the kidnapping of the daughter of a government official aboard a pirate ship. Elizabeth Smart was down the street and had more detail than this.*

Will: DO SOMETHING

Norrington: Uh, no.

Will: WAAUGHHH!!! *throws hatchet*

Norrington: I’m not impressed. Also, my hair is prettier than yours, so back off.

Murtogg: For once I’m the only person here with useful information.

Mullroy: Shut up.

*Instead of being arrested for assault, Will runs off to find Jack chilling out in his jail cell*

Jack: Well, the story goes something like this. The Black Pearl is evil, so Barbossa likes to keep it at an island of death. No one could come up with a decent name for an island of death, so they just called it The Island of Death. But that sounded silly so we translated it into Spanish. Sounds more menacing that way, don’t you think?

Will: Whatever. Help me.

Jack: Give me one good reason.

Will: My name is part of a twisted chain of coincidence stemming from a ten year old mutiny that is integral in both the fate of your ship and Elizabeth’s kidnapping, and also I can bust down this door with my blacksmith knowledge of wonder.

Jack: That’s two, but good enough for me.

*They get to the ship by stealing a canoe, which is possible because walking canoes are actually a common sight on the beach. You’ve just never been lucky enough to see one in its natural habitat. *

Will: This is either madness, or brilliance.

Jack: You are redundant. Redundant and fallacious. MADNESS DOES NOT PRECLUDE ACHIEVEMENT.

Will: …ok.

*At this point we’re assuming that Jack and Will have magical invisibility/Spidey powers, as they, in plain sight of about twenty people watching from the dock, scale the side of the ship using only their bare hands.*

Jack: Now we have to get their attention.

Will: Leave it to me! Ahem. ARR WALK THE PLANK YE SCALLYWAYGS YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE O’ RUM GRR AARGH!

Jack: You are a failure as a human being.

Norrington: Notice that I have changed my signature line so that no one can laugh at me again.

*Jack, in the span of five minutes, concocts an elaborate plan in which they steal the Interceptor and manage to sail it out of the harbor BY THEMSELVES. This of course must have been incredibly easy because, you may recall, Jack sailed one of these things solo at the beginning of the movie.*

Gillette: Norrington, your signature line sucks. I’m going to end this now.

Norrington: *facepalm*

*Meanwhile, out on the open ocean, Jack puts the ship on Autopilot and has a heart-to-heart with Will.*

Will: My attempts at subtlety are as terrible as my pirate jargon.

Jack: This is true. Also, your dad was a pirate.

Will: Was not!

Jack: Was too!

Will: Was not!!!

Jack: Was too!

Will: WAS NOT WAS NOT WA-*THUNK*

Jack: Pwnd. Now let’s get back to pretending to steer the ship.



..........to be continued.