POTC Part 2

In which Elizabeth Swan demonstrates live-action PacMan.

*When we meet up with Jack and Will again, they have managed to sail to Tortuga, which to my knowledge is an island off the coast of Haiti and not a small town in the middle of a doughnut-shaped rock, but hey, I like doughnuts as much as the next guy. The moon is still full, which means they’ve either got lightspeed capabilities on this ship, or an amazing sense of timing (and a month at sea, during which god knows what sort of debauchery is going on on these ships. Slashers unite!).*

Jerry Bruckheimer: FINALLY I GET TO MAKE MORE STUFF ASPLODE! EEHEEHEE!

Jack: All you need in life is alcohol and prostitutes, boy. Disney has finally accepted this, and you should too.

Will: I...I think I may go into shock…if I don’t get some hand sanitizer…

Jack: You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. We’re going to visit an old friend of mine.

Gibbs: Wuzzat?

Audience: MR. GIBBS?!

Gibbs: Yeah, I dunno how I got here either.

*They run off to a pub as pirates do, with Will probably being forced to follow downwind of Gibbs, no doubt with a look on his face akin to that of Edward Cullen upon smelling Bella for the first time*

Gibbs: This had better be good.

Jack: Let’s just say I’ve found a twisted chain of coincidence.

Gibbs: Eh?

Jack: I have leverage.

Gibbs: Ehh?

Jack: I AM IN POSESSION OF A HUMAN SACRIFICE, OKAY?!

Gibbs: Oh, ok. I’ll drink to that.

*Will, despite standing in the middle of a pub filled with loud drunken people and goats, AND being sexually harassed by a morbidly obese prostitute with no teeth, is somehow able to telepathically hear their conversation and retain Jack’s exact words in his brain to be used wittily later.*

*Meanwhile, Elizabeth paces her fire hazard of a candle-filled room*

Elizabeth: On the gooood ship looooolipop…

Pintel: Excuse me, but the captain has an Indiana Jones fetish and requests that you recreate Raiders of the Lost Ark in the next scene.

Elizabeth: No.

Pintel: Or we’ll grope you.

Elizabeth: FINE.

*Barbossa is apparently smarter than he looks, as he apparently had his henchmen procure food for the captive while they were in Port Royal.*

Barbossa: Dude, you haven’t eaten in days and you’re still being prissy?!

Elizabeth: …..

Barbossa: …..

Elizabeth: OM NOM NOM NOM NOM

*she proceeds to stuff her face with everything in sight that looks remotely edible, not even bothering to chew*

Barbossa: …..holy shit.

Elizabeth: OINK.

Barbossa: Umm, ok, how about an apple?

*Elizabeth suddenly remembers that she is in a Disney movie and pigging out on evil people’s food is usually not a good idea *

Elizabeth: I KNEW IT! YOU’RE MY EVIL STEPMOTHER!

Barbossa: …What?

Elizabeth: …nothing.

Barbossa: If I was going to kill you, don’t you think I would have been a bit more original than that?

Elizabeth: Then why the fuck am I still here?!

Barbossa: Because a very complicated backstory requires it, involving carting enormous amounts of gold from Mexico to an island in the middle of nowhere for no particular reason which we just happened to find, and the curse of quetzalcoatl which has plagued us for ten years, which makes us constantly horny but unable to get hard.

Elizabeth: ...that's it?

Barbossa: Oh, and we need to slit your throat too.

Elizabeth: ……*RUNS*

Barbossa: Aarrrrr! (I swear to god, he actually says “arrrr”. In context. To fulfill the pirate movie quota.)

Elizabeth: I SHALL SMITE THEE WITH A BUTTER KNIFE YOU NAZI! *STABBITY STAB*

*Needless to say, this doesn’t work, but it’s more than Marion could do, so I'm not complaining*

Barbossa: Boo.

Elizabeth: AARGH!

*As if things couldn’t get any worse, the skeletal pirates attack, which should be scary given the evil-sounding background music, but really isn't as they just use her to play that parachute-bouncing game that’s so much fun in kindergarten, amusing themselves to no end*

Elizabeth: WAUGHHHH!

Barbossa: Teehee. We should do this more often.

Jack the Monkey: Yum, dates.

I really need to write more original material.

Soon. Soon I will be in the mood and pop POTC back into the dvd player. And then hopefully I'll come up with a new movie that is less often parodied.

Until then, check out the great blogs at the Plimouth Plantation website; there's tons of insight from people in all of their departments.

http://www.plimoth.org/discover/blogs.php

An Historical Discovery

Redcoat Holdouts Still Fighting The American Revolution

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/redcoat_holdouts_still_fighting?utm_source=b-section

Titanic artifacts to be preserved for the public?

Apparently there's a judge somewhere out there who really cares about preservation. The massive collection of artifacts taken from the Titanic have been in ownership dispute since they were first removed, and right now U.S. District Judge Rebecca Beach Smith is working to settle the dispute and keep the collection together and available to the public. Apparently they're working with RMST Inc., the company that took the artifacts in the first place. Hopefully everyone can reach an agreement so that private collectors won't swoop in and ruin this important collection of history.

http://news.aol.com/article/titanic-court-case/394523?icid=mainmaindl1link3http%3A%2F%2Fnews.aol.com%2Farticle%2Ftitanic-court-case%2F394523

The Bard

This story has been a fantasy of mine for years now, and now someone's stolen it: family looks at a painting, thinks it looks like a copy of one they've owned for centuries, and finds out that the guy in the painting is SHAKESPEARE.

http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1883770,00.html

The Scarlet Pimpernel online

For the Marie Antoinette-ophiles out there, I have found this link of greatness: Like Television, a site that uploads old movies and tv that are currently in the public domain so that everyone can watch them. The rest of the titles are totally worth checking out, but of special interest is the original 1934 version of The Scarlet Pimpernel, starring Leslie Howard and Merle Oberon.



http://tesla.liketelevision.com/liketelevision/tuner.php?channel=1083&format=movie&theme=guide

I'm not sure what this is, but it's amazing.